Excessive parental interference with one’s relationship

The consequences of parental and sibling interference can last a lifetime, impacting one’s future relationships and decisions. In some cases, their interference can lead to feelings of anxiety and stress, causing harm to one’s mental health.

Just as I was thinking of what to write for today’s column, I came across a lengthy WhatsApp message – a sob story actually – from a close friend about her relationship with her long-time beau. To protect her identity, let’s just call her Mei Ling.

No, she is not breaking up with him or something like that. It is about years of steady relationship with her boyfriend and just when both decided the time is now right to get hitched, her family is vehemently opposing their union.

Allow me to present an abridged version of her message (edited slightly for clarity).

“Raj you know my relationship with … (name withheld), right? We’ve been going steady all these 5 years and he finally proposed. I thought he would never pop the question! I said ‘yes’ and he suggested we get engaged first and settle down after getting a house of our own. I decided to inform my family that my long wait is over and I’m finally settling down with someone who loves me unconditionally. You know he’s a very nice and forgiving person who accepted me for what I’m. I’ll never be able to find someone else like him … But I’m sad, my mom and brothers are against the idea of me settling down with him. After my divorce 25 years ago from the man who mistreated me, I’ve stayed single. I couldn’t trust anyone after that … also my parents never made any effort to find me a suitor despite all their years of promises that they will find someone suitable. Actually, as you know my ex was someone whom my family chose! After all these years, they can still not accept that I turned my back on someone of their choice, he is a distant relative as I’ve told you. Now, after I’ve found someone I love, they are opposing my relationship, giving excuses like the age gap is too wide, he’s 12 years my senior. They are also judgemental, saying he’s not a good person, he doesn’t have a house, blah blah blah! My family said they aren’t happy and that they’ll not give their blessings. They threatened me if I went ahead, they would disown me. I do not wish to tarnish my family’s image.

The only reason why they are strongly against us marrying is that they want me to help in running our family textile business. My siblings are not able to find anyone else whom they can trust to help in the business. Despite the fact that I’m a member of the family, I’m treated like any other ordinary worker! I’ve been working for them for almost 20 years and I’m not treated well, in fact my salary is low compared to the years of experience I’ve. I also don’t have any allowance except I am forced to work overtime for a miserable amount!!! You know that. And perhaps you are right! I’m a kuli-keng here and I will end up being a nanny for the family too if I don’t find someone. I really don’t know lah Raj, I feel like ending this miserable life …”

Poor Mei Ling. I don’t know how to console her or what sort of advice to give. I have never been a good ‘counsellor’ for anyone in situations like this. Guess, I will wait for a while before I reply to her.

Anyway, I just can’t fathom or figure out why parents or siblings interfere with relationships; it can be very stressful and upsetting. But the ball is in the court of the affected person – the onus is on him or her to talk honestly and openly with parents about how their interference is messing up lives! Each family and individual will be unique in how they communicate.

In Mei Ling’s case, she left her ex at the age of 25 I think – after just one-and-a-half years’ of marriage. He was an abuser. Since then she has been ostracised by her family and relatives who felt she had brought shame to the family and the community.

She is now 49 years old.

I believe parents interfere with the relationships of adult members of the family for reasons linked to the personalities with the former themselves.

Among factors for family objections and interference are parental overreaction when a member confides in them; parents view all relationships as doomed to fail; parental projection of their own marital problems onto the family member; empty-nest syndrome – meaning parents, especially mothers, struggle to give up control; and misplaced concern for family member’s welfare.

Says a marriage counsellor: “Since a lot of effort is involved in raising children, parents naturally feel a sense of entitlement and responsibility towards their well-being, even as the children reach adulthood.

“Both parents display this controlling behaviour, but it is much more common for mothers than fathers. Some parents will always view their children as defenceless who are in constant need of their help.”

Interference from mothers could be their misplaced concern for their children, regardless of how old they are. Mothers have been spending the better part of their life advising their children on just about everything; therefore, it is hard to imagine they are now grown-ups who are able to make their own decisions.

If a mother disagrees with her child’s choice of partner,  she will advise her child out of an unconscious belief that she knows what’s best for the child.

Therefore, I feel confiding in an over-concerned parent can be a double-edged sword. A few of my friends and relatives say they avoided telling their families until they have gone through a registered marriage. Whether their parents agree or oppose after that, a civil marriage cannot be undone immediately. Could be a smart move.  

Then, some mothers view every problem in a relationship as a confirmation of their misgivings about their child’s partner are right.

“If someone wants to believe something about someone, they are bound to rely on the little information that supports their case and ignore the others. And this can lead to very meddlesome behaviour,” adds the marriage counsellor.

And many parents, especially mothers, who have gone through a rough patch in their relationships, may have the unfounded fear that their children too will have the same problems. These unhappy mothers see all relationships as doomed to failure. They are unable to accept that their children’s happiness is genuine.

Now, not many are aware of the psychological condition – ‘empty-nest syndrome’ which is a serious issue where mothers find it difficult to give up control of their children’s life. One has to admit that mothers have their imperfections too;  at times they allow their emotions to affect their judgment. All they want is the best for their children.

Back to Mei Ling. The age gap shouldn’t be a reason for her family’s objection. Age is merely a number, and genuine love and compatibility transcend such boundaries. However, in conservative families, societal norms often influence perceptions, and it is important to address these issues diplomatically.

Her family’s reluctance might not solely stem from the age gap but could be linked to other underlying concerns, such as the fear of losing her support in the family business post-marriage. This fear might be the primary reason for their opposition, as suggested by Mei Ling. It is therefore important for both of them to address this concern first.

She is caught between her family and her boyfriend, finding a middle ground is pivotal. She values her family’s blessings and must ensure her decision doesn’t tarnish the family’s image. However, her happiness and future should also be a priority.

Mei Ling’s partner should meet the family and engage in a respectful dialogue, which is a crucial step. He could highlight his willingness to support her continued involvement in the family business and contribute positively to their collective well-being which could help alleviate the family’s worries.

For Mei Ling, having an open conversation with her family is vital. She should communicate her desire for their blessings, ensuring them that her decision stems from a place of genuine happiness and not a desire to disregard family values.

Ultimately, the decision to pursue the relationship should prioritise her happiness and well-being. It is a delicate balance between honouring cultural traditions and individual happiness, and finding that equilibrium will require understanding, compromise, and perseverance from all parties involved.

The views expressed here are those of the columnist and do not necessarily represent the views of New Sarawak Tribune.